The Trial of .... Wellness?

Wellness meaning health here. Most people would not look at this as a trial, and if you're in the "trial of illness" right now you may even resent me referring to good health that way. If that's the case I do not mean to minimize how exhausting,and at times excruciating, it can be to have an extended illness or be caring for a loved one who does. But I'm reminded of 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man." We are often tempted to discontenment when we have the very thing our neighbor may be begging for.

I enjoy being sick, but it doesn't happen very often. I also like when my son is sick, but I have to clarify here that the few times in his life he has been sick have been very mild. He doesn't get many symptoms and will typically mention an ailment just once in passing. Then I take him to the Dr and find out there's something going on in there. I love the opportunity to stay home and care for him, but God has really grown me here over these last 6 years so that I'm not seeing that fist-shaking hard-heartedness I used to. No doubt the folly of this is obvious. What sane mother would want herself and her child to be ill? I think the sinful side of it comes down to the fact that I'm lazy. I like an excuse to lie around and not do any work. I'm proud. I want people to make a fuss over me and cater to me. But I also genuinely love getting to pamper my little guy and comfort him when he's feeling his need for it.

This past week I've had a cold and cough . I have thoroughly enjoyed it even though it's much too mild for me to really consider myself sick. I saw irritation at the fact that a coworker of mine was sicker than I was and people were concerned for her. I was not. I was judgmental of her and had to repent and deliberately pursue compassion. God's getting me there. Then on Thursday night I found out my good friend, Daphne, had pneumonia last Sunday (but didn't know it) and I had spent about 4 hours just an arm's-length away from her - yet I didn't get sick! I was amused at God's sovereignty. He chooses to give me what is good, rather than my heart's desire. Today I was expecting old friends to join us for lunch, but I got a call from Gary saying his wife Rachel was ill and in the hospital but much recovered and being released today, however they would not be able to make it. God did grant me compassion this time, but I saw again just how he tests me. Do I really want his will for me? Or do I want what he has for others?

I had some time alone this afternoon and after dropping Xavier off at his dad's I drove past an old cemetary on the way home. It was a beautiful day, I had time to spend, and I wanted to be outside somewhere with solitude. My mom loves old cemetaries as do a few of my friends so I figured it would be a good place to stop. From the time I arrived there God laid on my heart Psalm 39:4 " O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!" I looked at memorials to families who lost several children at a young age. One couple buried 6 children all under a year old, most under 6 months in less than 8 years. Another couple had 6 stillborn children over the course of 7 years, and then one child who was with them for 2 years and one for 6 years. That affected my heart. Why do I take my health for granted and even grumble over it? Because I'm sinful. I needed a Savior to pardon my unbelief.

I sat on a bench that was close to the road and at one point I was distracted by a car with loud music passing by and the Lord gave me this vivid memory: 10 years ago I was in the back of an open Jeep with about 10 other people (no we were not wearing seat belts :-o !) flying down that very road with a keg of beer, drinking it from the hose because we weren't waiting to get to the party. Who would have guessed that just a decade later I would be sitting in this cemetary being gently taught about contentment? I deserved to be there, but not in that context!

He gave me so many other nugget lessons on my little stroll. I saw new grass budding on fresh ground and considered how God, in his mercy, has ordained that I might be one who hears the word and receives it (see Matthew 13 for the parable of the sower). My eyes regularly landed on a tombstone engraved with the last name of a coworker and God gently impressed on me the urgency of sharing his glorious gospel with those around me and led me to pray earnestly for individuals. I even looked up at one point to see the name 'Gross' staring back at me and the vision of me just yards away loving my sin a few years ago returned and I wept with gratitude. I have been forgiven and saved from much!

I may not always have the health he's given me now and I don't want to waste it. Lord, help me to love you with all of my strength!